That feeling...

It had been a while since I felt this way. This feeling of really not having control over the future. It's been weird to feel this way again. I've spent most of my life working hard to make sure that I have control. Control over our destiny. Control over where we wind up in 10 years. I'm not some sort of weird control freak (really I'm not), but with all of this, it's hard to feel like you have control over anything. I had always believed that what happened in life was mostly (99%) controlled by the effort you put into it... and now, it's out of my control. It's in the hands of Doctors and Nurses and medical things that are well beyond my expertise (though, I think I know more about the central nervous system than most 1st year medical students, and Anna probably knows her way around the billing/insurance offices of the hospital than half the people who work there). And now, after all of that, I feel like I have no control. It sucks. I need to rely on other people to make sure that WE can have the future... she'd probably shoot me if I didn't say it was also in God's control... so I'll throw that in as well, as now isn't the time for that debate. Though, to borrow a phrase, they were likely right when they said - "There are no atheists in foxholes".
 
Now that I've vented, back to what's really important.... This past Wednesday she had an appointment with her primary Oncologist, Dr. Grossman... We've been calling him "Grossy" for a while, so I'll likely just use that moving forward. He's really a great guy and we're both incredibly thankful for everything he's done. We realize he's giving Anna the best care possible, and has really gone out of his way to constantly spend time with Anna (and me), to walk us through this. So, she had her check up appointment with Grossy back on Wednesday. Everything went well, and he was pleased with the progress. Her bone marrow tests came back and they were not able to detect any Leukemia cells in her bone marrow. That's great news, though we will need to proceed with the treatment of Leukemia in her CNS and the aggressive options.
 
She had a chemo appointment again on Thursday. This was again the treatment delivered to her spine, which means a full day over at the hospital and some discomfort in her back following the procedure. My mom was able to stay over at the hospital with her, as Anna's dad and friend were staying with TJ. It's a long day, but all in all went pretty well.
 
This week she has another round of chemo on Monday, and another on Friday. We also go meet with the transplant specialist on Thursday. We'll know a lot more about transplants once we're done with that appointment. We should understand what it means in terms of finding donors, timing for the procedure, duration of hospital stay, etc. We've done some preliminary research online, but it'll be really important to talk with the actual specialist to get more information.
 
Physically, she's been feeling reasonably well. She's still a bit tired during the days and is a bit limited in what she can do, but overall feeling pretty good. Her vision is not 100% but today was the first day that she went without the eye patch, and for things that are close to her she was actually seeing good. She still sees double for things that are a little further away, but we feel like it's definitely moving in the right direction. She's still struggling a bit with losing some of her independence. She really had been back to being able to do pretty much anything, and lately, especially with the vision issues, it's been a struggle. She's been trying to prep herself for time away in the hospital for the bone marrow transplant. Last time, she didn't really have any time to think about it as it was just necessary. Now, she's in this weird stage where she's still home now, but likely once we get more info about the bone marrow transplant, we'll likely be looking at another lengthy hospital stay for that.
 
Many thanks to everyone for the emails, comments, text messages, and calls... Sorry we haven't gotten back to everyone. We definitely do appreciate everything and all of the offers to help. As we learn more about what's ahead and where we'll need help, we'll definitely keep everyone posted.
 
And.... one last thought...... J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!!