yet another long break...

it has been a long time since i last updated the blog (so please bear with em if i ramble on and on)..partially because i get inundated with daily mundane things, but mainly because there are just things i rather keep to myself to digest and maybe share at another time....that being said, please bear with me with the long breaks i may or may not take along the way....

so here is the aemi-quick version....

october = was a great month with the walk and then spending three (almost four weeks) in florida with my family...it is always great to see and spend quality time with them, particularly with my godparents...the vacation also helped for tj and i to reconnect on a mommy/son level which makes me feel normal again especially all warm and fuzzy inside..i'm a mommy again and not feeling half drugged all the time from all the chemo pumpmed into me for the past year now, proves my independence and being able to spend time alone with him without any help like old times...october was also signicifant because it marked the one-year anniversary of being in remission...praise God for that...

november = the start of the holiday season...this year it really feels like the holidays...we put our budget together and i was able to go out and do some christmas shopping and feel normal...it is funny how the smallest things i used to take for granted now meet so much to me and are truly important....thanksgiving was a good one...we went upstate for the first time in a few years and got to see a few family members from tom's side...it was a necessary trip to be made to show all how well i was doing....

december = it is official christmas is less than 2 weeks away and i am proud to say i am officially finished with all the shopping, the cards were sent out today and wrapping began last weekend...this year will be extra special because i will really enjoy doing what i love to do best around this time of year, decorating the house, decorating the tree with tj for the first time, writing a letter to santa with tj for the first time and looking forward to seeing his face on xmas morning with all of the presents under the tree...one void will be tino...that wound will never completely heal for us...this year it feels harder than last year because last year we will all in survival mode and getting through round after round of tough chemo sessions involving one hospitalization, transfusions and continous spinal taps and heavy dosages of chemo...we sent tino a xmas box filled with toys for him and his buddies..inside i wrote him a letter telling him how much we missed him but that it was best that he stayed in his new home where we knew he was having a great time with his buddies...i have to stay it was one of the hardest notes i have had to write in a long time...

i am now facing the dilemma of what do i do next...i am feeling better and want to give back to those who are walking the same path or help loved ones who are going through this with their loved ones...but i come to a complete standstill and get sheer panic when i think ,where do i start, and once i start what i will say to these people, what if i cant help them, what if my story is just not enough for them, what if a cancer patient says to me, "ok, you are in remission, but i am not", how do i answer that..or better yet, what if a family member says to me, "my brother, son, sister, daughter, mother, father didnt make it and you did", what am i supposed to say to them...too many questions and a part of me feels i may not be ready to answer, but yet a part of me wants to just tell them to trust in God whole-heartedly like i did and continue to do (even on the bad days)...that is enough for me, but will it be for others....why do i feel so completely useless...i guess all that is left to do is pray...i have never underestimated the power of prayer, why should i start now...i have always said God gave me this disease for a reason, i just have to find a way to exercise this gift i have been given and share it with others.....as i continue to search for this passion that is raging in me but needs to just come out..the sage continues.....God bless....