anna's blog

it has been a long time since i last updated the blog (so please bear with em if i ramble on and on)..partially because i get inundated with daily mundane things, but mainly because there are just things i rather keep to myself to digest and maybe share at another time....that being said, please bear with me with the long breaks i may or may not take along the way....

so here is the aemi-quick version....

october = was a great month with the walk and then spending three (almost four weeks) in florida with my family...it is always great to see and spend quality time with them, particularly with my godparents...the vacation also helped for tj and i to reconnect on a mommy/son level which makes me feel normal again especially all warm and fuzzy inside..i'm a mommy again and not feeling half drugged all the time from all the chemo pumpmed into me for the past year now, proves my independence and being able to spend time alone with him without any help like old times...october was also signicifant because it marked the one-year anniversary of being in remission...praise God for that...

november = the start of the holiday season...this year it really feels like the holidays...we put our budget together and i was able to go out and do some christmas shopping and feel normal...it is funny how the smallest things i used to take for granted now meet so much to me and are truly important....thanksgiving was a good one...we went upstate for the first time in a few years and got to see a few family members from tom's side...it was a necessary trip to be made to show all how well i was doing....

december = it is official christmas is less than 2 weeks away and i am proud to say i am officially finished with all the shopping, the cards were sent out today and wrapping began last weekend...this year will be extra special because i will really enjoy doing what i love to do best around this time of year, decorating the house, decorating the tree with tj for the first time, writing a letter to santa with tj for the first time and looking forward to seeing his face on xmas morning with all of the presents under the tree...one void will be tino...that wound will never completely heal for us...this year it feels harder than last year because last year we will all in survival mode and getting through round after round of tough chemo sessions involving one hospitalization, transfusions and continous spinal taps and heavy dosages of chemo...we sent tino a xmas box filled with toys for him and his buddies..inside i wrote him a letter telling him how much we missed him but that it was best that he stayed in his new home where we knew he was having a great time with his buddies...i have to stay it was one of the hardest notes i have had to write in a long time...

i am now facing the dilemma of what do i do next...i am feeling better and want to give back to those who are walking the same path or help loved ones who are going through this with their loved ones...but i come to a complete standstill and get sheer panic when i think ,where do i start, and once i start what i will say to these people, what if i cant help them, what if my story is just not enough for them, what if a cancer patient says to me, "ok, you are in remission, but i am not", how do i answer that..or better yet, what if a family member says to me, "my brother, son, sister, daughter, mother, father didnt make it and you did", what am i supposed to say to them...too many questions and a part of me feels i may not be ready to answer, but yet a part of me wants to just tell them to trust in God whole-heartedly like i did and continue to do (even on the bad days)...that is enough for me, but will it be for others....why do i feel so completely useless...i guess all that is left to do is pray...i have never underestimated the power of prayer, why should i start now...i have always said God gave me this disease for a reason, i just have to find a way to exercise this gift i have been given and share it with others.....as i continue to search for this passion that is raging in me but needs to just come out..the sage continues.....God bless....

yesterday was a great and active day for me...it started out with dropping off the beast to get the driver and passenger side windows tinted to only allow 50% sunlight exposure in...the majority of my chemotherapy pills and some antibiotics when i take them require no direct uv/sunlight exposure, which this summer while driving i felt a little too much since i noticed the tan line of my watch...all in all the beast got a little more pimped out...tanya, dr. grossman's assistant said i just wanted to be incognito while driving the beast...she is partially right...lol!

after that i went to see dr grossman where all of my numbers were fine and good to receive chemo and start the cycle again..can i tell you that dr grossman is the best dr in the whole world...the relationship i have with him is so comfortable and priceless..i truly believe God put him my life so i can gain yet another lifelong friend...

later on that night, i went out to dinner with a few of the overnight nurse crew from 5300 (although some are no longer at st barnabas)...it was a surprise birthday party for binna, but i was also the surprise guest of honor...rebecca and i were who are five days apart in birthdays had already planned to do something together to celebrate, but when this came up she decided to invite me and surprise the other nurses, especially christine whom i had not seen since my last hospitalization in december 2008...well, i parked my car near the cheesecake factory where we were having dinner and as i walked i bumped into pinky who recognized me right away and we hugged each other and started screaming in the parking lot like two little girls...we walked together into the restaurant and wendy was already waiting for us...she recognized me right away..it took me a second but then i realized who it was(she has this chic new haircut)...wendy was my nurse that on her last day at st. barnabas had the privilege of changing my port needle for the first time after it was installed and would not get a return of blood until trying 3x times...

after a short while binna (the birthday and the main guest of honor arrived) with christine...when christine saw me we both started to cry and christine was literally shaking...it was great seeing her...i really miss her and similar to rebecca and kristin, i have a special bond with her...i will never forget how she protected me from seeing/hearing the death of the cuban man that had his room next to the pantry..i will never forget her coming in that morning and me asking her how he was and her telling me he was gone a few hours earlier in the night...it was my first experience with death on 5300...

binna at first did not recognize me but after the others reminded her of who i was she gave me the biggest hug that i thought she had broken a rib...LOL!!! i cannot tell you how great it is to have such great friends...another nurse michelle was there, who i didnt remember at first but after a while i started to remember little things in and there about her as well she did of me...kristin, rebecca and christine always fought over me on the night shift because we had so much fun..my room was a college dorm room where they came in to vent, chat and laugh our heads off...

rebecca as usual was awesome...we connect in so many levels and one story i remember with her is one night when she came in to check up on me i was feeling especially down,crummy, sad and crying...she asked me if i was ok and i told her no i was not and i began to cry...there were nights where i just needed to cry to release without having tom around..i always wanted to remain strong for everyone, especially tom, he was dealing with enough already and he shouldnt have to leave our visit with the image of me crying that night or any other night for that matter...well, rebecca asked me if i wanted her to stay with me for a little while...i said yes, i dont remember if i said anything to her, i just remember crying and she just sat there while the tv was on and listened to me cry and hold my hand (if i remember correctly)...she unselfishly put aside i am sure i ton of work to just sit with me and listen to me be a cry baby...only a true friend does that...on another occasion it was 2am and of course since i was on steroids i was always hungry and on that particular night i wanted a mcchicken..well, iv pole in tow and everything rebecca escorted me to the mcdonalds on the first floor and with all the security guards staring at us as we walked by, rebecca helped me fulfill a craving i so needed...

they are all my angels sent directly from God to help through one of the most, if not the most difficult time of my life...God bless them all...

after dinner, i picked up tom at the park n ride and came home..as i was checking my facebook for the night i noticed that tom had gotten in full gear for fundraising for our walk this upcoming saturday...for the last five days of the walk every day he puts an excuse as to why people should donate to our team and help such a great cause...his posting for the first day was a good one and we got a few donations, but his status for day 4 was a real tear jerker...he posted how we had to give up our dog, tino because of my getting sick and tom will never forget the look of confusion on tino's face when he dropped him off at judy's...the pain of giving him up will NEVER go away...its been over a year now and it still hurts as if it were yesterday...it is amazing how attached you become to an animal, but we know that he is in good hands, but we miss him terribly..its like an open wound that will never heal...ok enough about that...the end result is that tom has done amazing fundraising money and we can proudly say we are over 90% of our goal...a feat i never thought we would approach...yet again God continues to bless us with generous friends and family...

finally, today, tj, my mother-in-law and i went to the leukemia and lymphoma society to volunteer to help them get prepared for the walk...we were there for 2 hours and it felt great...we felt right at home and the senior campaign manager, lumene even referred to us as being part of the family already...much to my surprise Team Gaffney with have a tent the day of the walk because of the amount of money we have raised...how fantastic...i was concerned as to how our team was going to meet on saturday, but yet again God helps us out and made it easy...

bianca arrives tomorrow afternoon and i am so excited to see here and that she will share this special moment with us...it will be an emotional day when my name will be announced on the survivors ceremony and when i see our team all carrying red balloons and i carrying the white balloon to commemorate that i am the survivor...we will also have 2 balloons dedicated in memory of 2 people that have recently passed away...my friend tammi's aunt and my neighbor's father who was just buried this past saturday after battling lymphoma for only 2 months...his father was 76 and could not resist the chemotherapy...please keep their families in your prayers...

whoa! i have written a lot tonight...i guess i had a little to let out...

one last thing, my dear friend joan is going through a difficult time right personally so please say a special prayer for her and her husband...love you joanie...remember God is with you and will never let you go....

p.s. happy birthday to my dear friends Yesy and Debbie...hope they had a great day and may they live an endless amount of years with great health, happiness and love...God bless...