mixed emotions...a year later...tough week

the next few weeks until my birthday will be tough since i will be reliving many different emotions of what was happening a year ago...please bare with me...

on monday, i went in for my weekly visit..i have had this recurring back pain which had moved to my underarm area and was beginning to worry me...since dr grossman is away on vacation the doctor covering for him decided i get a CT scan with and without contrast..of course i was mess walking through the main hospital hallways reliving the same things i did a little less than a year ago..the difference was i was not in a stretcher with an IV pole attached to me...the other weird thing for me was seeing the same people perform the CT scan that had done it last year...i was even extra nervous because Farrah Fawcett in her documentary went through the same thing, but her results were recurrence...Praise God, my results came back negative and nothing showed up in the scan...my pain has been determined to be muscular therefore i need to stop lifting mr. tj so much...

so today was exactly a year since tom and i walked into the emergency room and i was admitted into the hospital without knowing what would be in store for us for the next weeks, months and year. i spent the day looking at the clock wondering where i was that exact time a year ago..must things i remember, but others just seemed like a blur..i also spent a day filled with mixed emotions of happiness for making it through such a tough year, but also somber because it was the last day i saw tino (God i miss that dog)..i thought by now it would be better, but not yet..i never really had closure in saying goodbye to him...

i spoke to my counselor today and it helped to get everything i was feeling out and speaking about it...it has been a rough year, but i could not have done it without my great support system of family and friends (old and new)...i am grateful to God that i am here today to tell everyone my story and will continue to share it with as many people i can....God has blessed me infinitely and i want everyone to know that...

today was also a VERY emotional day because i found out that my old neighbor on 5300 unit passed away, 2 weeks ago to be exact...i nicknamed him "buddha man" because everytime i walked by his room on my nightly insominiac routine he was always sitting in his lounge chair looking out into the hallway, always smiling and being delightful...i would remember his wife always bringing him food on a daily basis (similar to what my parents and in-laws what do for me) but a few hours after she left he would always send one of the nursing assistants to get him something from mcdonald's located on the first floor...i thought it was hysterical because him and i were both neutropinic and had no business eating that food, but the NA's would always oblige... the last memory i have of him was about a month ago where he was confined to a wheelchair and was wearing an oxygen mask...he looked at me smiled and asked how i was doing...i told him fine but more importantly how he was doing..he smiled and said i am good, but i think i need to go back to hackensack (his second bone marrow transplant was not working)...after that i saw his lovely wife and she smiled and said he was a strong man...yes, he was a strong man and fought a great battle, but now he is in a better place where he is no longer suffering..i will miss seeing him and his smiling face...God bless his wife, children and his entire family...rest in peace my dear buddha....

very quickly in other news, this past sunday was TJ's third birthday and party...it was great and he had a great time...it was great to see my family and friends together for such a festive occasion, but of course i missed my family in florida the most, but i am content to know that i will see them very soon...seeing my best friend mario (tj's godfather) was most emotional since the last time i had seen him, was in the early days of my diagnosis i think before my first chemo treatment...i cherish that he has always been there for me when i have needed him...it was great seeing yesy and finally introducing her to tom and spending time with her husband, david and their girls (they have gotten so big)...

well, i think i have poured out enough emotions for one day....tomorrow and thursday will be another big day...so there will probably be big posts...

have a blessed day/night and pray for all of those families who are dealing with cancer, have a loved one with cancer or are dealing with the loss of a loved one because of cancer...

God bless...