exactly one year since diagnosis....

well, here it is..a year ago today my life changed dramatically....tom might remember this a little differently so bare with me i have "chemobrain"...
i remember tom on his laptop to the left of my bed near the window when dr grossman walked in...he told us the biopsy results were back and it was just what he had suspected...pre-B cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL)..he then proceeded to explain to us what the exact term meant and drew diagrams and spoke to us in layman terms...he is great for doing that and making his patients understand everything thoroughly...
surprisingly enough, tom and i looked at each other after dr grossman told us the diagnosis, we didnt cry, we just said, "ok, whats the next step" and basically what do we do to make me better, healthy and continue to not only see tj grow up but to also grow old together...
dr grossman also explained to us that although i had leukemia i had
a few things that worked in my favor (those being my age, my health up until that point and the type of leukemia i had)..my leukemia is primarily a pediatric leukemia and there are high chances of survival...i do not remember the rest of the too much, just specific details..

i do not remember if tom told my parents or if i did...what i do VIVIDLY recall is waiting for them in my hospital room in a chair in the corner of the room, reading my bible and praying to God to give me the strength i needed to show them that i was ok and that i was going to survive this..the last thing they needed to see was their daughter breakdown....as i write this i get chills because God did give me the strength to see my parents after they knew...my father left worked early and drove out to our house and tom with my father-in-law, Pat drove them to the hospital...my mother immdediately went to the opposite corner of the room and literally began to sob (which i have rarely seen her do) my father kept it together but his eyes were red and VERY watery...i kept it together and never shed a tear until they left and then the waterworks flowed down my face....

once they left all i could think about was that i should not be putting them through this pain...i am supposed to take care of them when they get older, not they take care of me and worry whether or not i am going to live to my next birthday...such mixed emotions, such frustrations, but i was ready for the battle and ensure i would live to take care of them when they were older..that had to be the worst day of my life...seeing your parents hurting...

my in-laws were obviously hurting and i could see it in their eyes...wishing this was not happening to their son and daughter-in-law...they really didnt cry in front of me but i know as soon as they left my hospital room i am sure they did their fair share of crying...

i also remember calling my godsister (ana) in florida and telling her.. as expected she cried silently and i told her to stay strong that i would be ok...i knew in my heart i would be...i knew she would be the only one in florida that would keep it together and would tell the rest of the folks..i could not get myself to tell them, plus her husband is a doctor and i wanted to hear from someone other than dr grossman that i would be ok..

after hearing the diagnosis i needed validation that i would survive...off and on after that i would also ask the nurses, if i would be ok...and they all said have faith and stay strong for yourself and your family....i tell you those nurses at 5300 are angels sent from God and always know what to say....

i think tom prepared an email on that day to tell most of our extended family and friends..but it was very important to call certain friends and tell them over the phone and not over email...i remember talking to mario and he was great...judy was awesome and tamieka (my dear mieka) tried to hold it together but cried, but i remember her telling me that if i told i was ok, she would be ok as well...once the email went out we got an abundance of emails and phone calls from people, too many to name...joanie, tammi, kinga, courtney, janet, kreddy and so many, many people were amazing when they got the news and jumped right in to offer their help in anything we needed...

lele was great and of course my godparents were devastated but have always had the same faith in God that i had in believing that i would survive and my leukemia came to me with a purpose to speak to others about God, leukemia and help others through their journey with cancer....my niece bianca took it the hardest, apparently she got very sick and cried so hard she had to drive herself to my godparents house and stay over there...i remember talking to her and my eyes just well up thinking about it....she has been so brave through all of this and we have gotten even closer than we were before (and trust me we were close before this)...

wow, what a day it was and a journey i started...my faith in God and the strength He has given me has helped me get through this...praise and thank you God for my journey...and thank you God for the most amazing husband/soulmate, Tom..he is my rock, best friend and is amazing through this...I LOVE YOU!

on to other news, we spent the day running around...went to hoboken to get cookies from the show "cake boss" bakery...then went to chinatown to fulfill a craving from when i was a kid and my parents would take me...then we surprised my mother at at her job...then went to patsy's for pizza on 23rd street and then back home...it was a great day and i kept my mind occupied from thinking about what today's significance was....